Saturday, January 4, 2014

The fear of perfection

I have a guilty pleasure of watching little kids movies. This plus the fact I live next to my (almost) nieces/nephews means I have seen the movie Frozen two times over the time span of one month. I have had a few thoughts on my mind lately and funny thing is the song "Let it go"from the movie helped me combine a lot of what I have been thinking.

Besides my closest friends, nobody really knew what was happening with my family behind closed doors during my high school years. I didn't want people to see how hurt I was internally. I didn't want them to see how badly I wanted to just give up. I wanted to just take my mom and brothers and run away, far away. I didn't want them to "see me cry" and did my very best to hide any emotion and "not to feel" the pain of the reality we were living. I tried to "be perfect" in any way that I could.
But eventually it was time to open up that door and not "worry about what other people would say". Everyone has their challenges, and this was mine, and I could no longer pretend.
As I went away to college I was no longer living with the fears of control, manipulation, and hatred. I now had internal fears and a rather long list of them.
But here is a shortened version:

You will never be…
pretty enough
smart enough
strong enough
a good daughter
a good friend
a good sibling
able to move forward
simply enough
and ultimately worthy of being loved.

Over years I have studied, both spiritually and secularly, traveled, developed lasting relationships, and with lots of re-programing I know that I am enough. I "slammed that once opened door" and don't plan on opening it to anyone who makes me feel that way... ever again.
 I now have a deeper appreciation for things that I could have possibly taken for granted. I have a stronger desire to have a successful marriage. I want to defend and protect the sacredness of the family. I want to help other people realize their potential during their challenging times. I want to be a positive influence to those I come in contact with. I want to live a happy life. I want to be happy and find joy in the little things in life.
  I look at my life now see that as I "let go" of those things that "once controlled me" I was able to "rise above". I did not let my experiences define me. I was able to learn and grow from them and am stronger now then I ever have been.
"Here I stand, the past is in the past" and the only direction I plan on going is forward.

Who would have thought Disney movies would help me put my thoughts into words.
But regardless I hope in doing so I can be…

Positively Contagious 


  1. you're the best + always seem like the most positive person to me :) keep it up beautiful girl!

  2. Hey thank you,you are too nice! Congrats on your last post!

  3. Aww! Courtney! This was so beautiful to read! I am so impressed you are courageous enough to put all that into words! I had a similar experience during growing up/High School years of trying to hide my families trials (financial related..different...but still a lot of shame and judgements from others I was afraid of...and the real threat it put on my family)...I didn't talk about it to my friends...and after a few years away at BYU...I grew from them and was stronger and felt so many of the same resolves afterwards...but never wrote them down so beautifully or expressed them so clearly and released them for anyone to read! You are one gorgeous, magnetic, smart and inspirational girl Courtney! I admire you so much and think you are amazing. Go get 'em girl!

  4. Thank you Carrie, and for your influence during those years too! Hope your family is doing well, thanks for reading :)

  5. Courtney, since I had a "ringside seat" I'd like to comment... You know, we can't pick our parents. Our parents have both good traits and bad traits, but the mixture varies. We can only learn from them and then shape our lives the best we can. You are choosing a wise path, to both let the past go while learning from it. I commend you for that.

    But having known you throughout those growth years, I'm 110% positive you are all those qualities you listed. Trust uncle Bob on this?