The fear of perfection

I have a guilty pleasure of watching little kids movies. This plus the fact I live next to my (almost) nieces/nephews means I have seen the movie Frozen two times over the time span of one month. I have had a few thoughts on my mind lately and funny thing is the song "Let it go"from the movie helped me combine a lot of what I have been thinking.

Besides my closest friends, nobody really knew what was happening with my family behind closed doors during my high school years. I didn't want people to see how hurt I was internally. I didn't want them to see how badly I wanted to just give up. I wanted to just take my mom and brothers and run away, far away. I didn't want them to "see me cry" and did my very best to hide any emotion and "not to feel" the pain of the reality we were living. I tried to "be perfect" in any way that I could.

But eventually it was time to open up that door and not "worry about what other people would say". Everyone has their challenges, and this was mine, and I could no longer pretend.

As I went away to college I was no longer living with the fears of control, manipulation, and hatred. I now had internal fears and a rather long list of them.

But here is a shortened version:

You will never be…

pretty enough

smart enough

strong enough

successful

a good daughter

a good friend

a good sibling

able to move forward

simply enough

and ultimately worthy of being loved.

Over years I have studied, both spiritually and secularly, traveled, developed lasting relationships, and with lots of re-programing I know that I am enough. I "slammed that once opened door" and don't plan on opening it to anyone who makes me feel that way... ever again.

 I now have a deeper appreciation for things that I could have possibly taken for granted. I have a stronger desire to have a successful marriage. I want to defend and protect the sacredness of the family. I want to help other people realize their potential during their challenging times. I want to be a positive influence to those I come in contact with. I want to live a happy life. I want to be happy and find joy in the little things in life.

  I look at my life now see that as I "let go" of those things that "once controlled me" I was able to "rise above". I did not let my experiences define me. I was able to learn and grow from them and am stronger now then I ever have been.

"Here I stand, the past is in the past" and the only direction I plan on going is forward.

Who would have thought Disney movies would help me put my thoughts into words.

But regardless I hope in doing so I can be…

Positively Contagious